The realest sh*t I’ve ever known is being a mother. I know everyone talks about there not being a manual, but if I were to write a manual for mothers, this is how it would go:
Mothering 101: Over a decade later, and I’m still wondering how my kids are alive.
Chapter One: The realest sh*t to expect during your first year as a mother.
Expect to pretty much feel like a newborn, yourself; sh*t just won’t make sense. How can my baby cry for that long? How is it I am still standing when I’ve only had 20 hours of sleep over the past month? How can a baby poop up it’s front and out the sides, but not the back?
Be prepared to know nothing and be delusional the entire first year of being a mom. If you walk out of the house with one boob hanging out and don’t even realize it, THAT’S NORMAL! This year will be trial and error… mostly error. I know of NO ONE that has breezed through the first year of being a parent. Expect to say things like, “How did that happen,” or “What do I do,” or “Whoops, probably shouldn’t have done that” at least 48 times a day.
To sum up chapter one, just be prepared to be covered in breast milk, spit up, poop and if you have a boy, pee. Don’t have any expectations for your body or your looks, cause those went bye-bye the moment you decided to have a baby.
Chapter Terrible Two: The realest sh*t you’ll ever live through.
You will feel like you’ve gone to war with your toddler. There will be moments of rage and intense temper-tantrums and I’m strictly talking about coming from you. You will question why you had a child, you will question your sanity. You may even consider giving your toddler away or selling them to the highest bidder. Be prepared to hear, “no” consistently. “I don’t want to,” “That’s mine,” and “I’m not sleepy,” like a broken record. Potty training will test your mental endurance and your gag reflex. When your toddler is having a meltdown, you may or may not be slapped on the legs and when in reach, in the face. They run the show and you’re just a making a cameo appearance. Bow down to the toddler. All hail the toddler.
Just think of the toddler stage as the realest battle you’re destined to lose.
Chapter Three: The elementary years. This is the realest sh*t, because you’re going back to school.
Starting school adds a whole new layer of realness to motherhood. Be prepared to do homework, projects, be a room-mom and go on the worst field trips of all time. When you help your child with their homework at night, you may have feelings of anger and frustration. You might even question if your child has a brain or not. Remember, it’s always okay to walk away, drink a glass, (or four) of wine, and go back to try again. Get ready for the elementary age attitude to emerge. Your child will pretty much think they were born before you and you know nothing. They will watch all the dumbest shows and always want a random playdate with a friend. Your child will start to find themselves, while you, yourself are still somewhat lost. By this stage, you will have learned so much about being a mother, but your child will continue to throw curveballs at you, making you want to run away. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments of “cuteness,” and moments where you will be so incredibly proud… remember, I said “moments.”
To conclude this chapter, just be prepared for anything.
Chapter Four: The tweenager years. The realest sh*t that will test your mental toughness. Puberty ain’t nothin’ nice!
Before your child approaches the teenage years, you may want to take up yoga, tae kwon do, kickboxing, and anything that will help you get your “zen” on or help take your frustrations out. This is where you will revert back to knowing nothing, (or thinking you’ve got anything handled), but I can assure you, you don’t. Those tweens and teens aren’t necessarily smart, but they are professionals in their pre-pubescent fields. You will not understand their language, the weird things they do, or the awkward faces they make. They smell funny and they dress funky. They are really in that “I want to be cool and look cool, but my hygiene game isn’t quite on point,” stage.
You will literally want to punch them in their chest once their attitudes come out. Everything is so damn dramatic. It’s like you’re in a daily soap opera. I’ll let you in on a little secret… during puberty, they can’t control their emotions and just because of life, you may not be able to either. This is where heavy vodka-sodas before school’s out come into play. Try to remember this stage will pass, (maybe) and cut them a little slack because they are temporarily insane.
Final Chapter: The realest sh*t you’ve ever felt is the love for your kids.
You won’t be able to truly express how deeply your love runs for your kids. It’s something that you feel so strongly inside that the only way to convey it, is to continue to be the best mother and human being possible. You live for them and you will die for them. There is nothing you won’t do for your kids as a mother. There will be times when you’ll stop in your tracks and thank God for the gift of being a mother. There are times where you will cry tears of joy because you can’t believe you created the most beautiful and special human being in the world. You may even thank your lucky stars that they didn’t turn out exactly like you. Ha! You will cherish every moment spent with them, even if it’s cursing them out because time goes by so quickly.
To conclude Mothering 101, it is an honor, a privilege, a gift, a blessing, a miracle and a wonder to be a mother. It is the realest sh*t you’ll ever know. It is a game changer and it is what life is all about.
To all my mamas out there, you rock!
Happy Mother’s Day!